Ashraellen
Sacred satire for those tired of “positive vibes,” endless productivity, and the cult of success.
entry into the canon
The Book of Whinesis is a pseudo-biblical satire about the human being of the digital age: tired, connected, irritated, and forever waiting for a discount, delivery, signal, reply, and meaning.
Here irony becomes medicine, and burnout becomes revelation. Here whining is not weakness. It is prayer.
This is not a parody of faith. It is a parody of our modern worship of convenience, screens, notifications, and our own dissatisfaction.
Here Wi-Fi becomes fate, the couch becomes an altar, buffering becomes eternity, and complaint becomes the first language of a person who has not yet understood that they are looking for rest.
It is funny until you recognize yourself. And when you do, it becomes even funnier.
audiobook / video version
In the beginning there was Whine — and from it truth was born.
The opening of a philosophical, mystical, and symbolic series about human nature, consciousness, and the subtle art of self-knowledge.
The video contains multilingual audio tracks. The language can be changed in the YouTube player settings.
When the human being first sat upon the couch, history was rewritten.
A chapter about humidity, snacks, and the sacred art of doing absolutely nothing.
The video contains multilingual audio tracks. The language can be changed in the YouTube player settings.
Chapter III
Chapter III — On the Discount Serpent
1. Now the Discount Serpent was more cunning than all the beasts of the supermarket that the Lord of Whine had made; and he said unto Moania, “Did the Lord truly say that you may not eat of any provision in the refrigerator?”
2. And Moania said unto the Serpent, whom Gnorna was holding by the tail: “We may eat of the provisions in the refrigerator;”
3. “But of the cold sausage which is in the midst of the refrigerator, the Lord of Whine has said: you shall not eat of it, nor touch it by night, lest you come to need the calorie calculator.”
4. And the Serpent said unto Moania: “It shall not be heavy upon you; for this sausage is under the best promotion, and with four percent cashback — a trend that must not be missed.”
5. “For the Lord of Whine knows that on the day you eat of it, your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be like influencers, knowing desire and remorse.”
6. And Moania saw that the sausage was good for food, and pleasant to the eyes, and desirable to the midnight soul; she took and ate, and gave also to her husband Gnorna, and he ate in his cunning.
7. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were in Chinese sweatpants with a stain of sauce; and they sewed together thermal-paper receipts and made themselves coverings.
8. And they heard the voice of the Lord of Whine walking in the supermarket in the cool of the open refrigerators; and Gnorna and Moania hid themselves among the discount aisles, behind pallets of mineral water.
9. And the Lord of Whine called unto Gnorna and said to him: “Where are you?”
10. And he said: “I heard Your voice in the supermarket and I was afraid, for I was in sweatpants with a shameful stain; and I hid myself.”
11. And He said: “Who told you that you were in sweatpants? Have you eaten of the sausage of which I commanded you not to eat?”
12. And Gnorna said: “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the sausage, and I ate.”
13. And the Lord of Whine said unto Moania: “What is this that you have done?” And Moania said: “The Serpent, whom my husband held by the tail, deceived me with discounts, and I ate.”
14. And the Lord of Whine said unto the Serpent: “Because you have done this, cursed are you above all coupons; upon your belly shall you crawl through the aisles, and the dust of markdowns shall you eat all the days of your life. And every ‘profitable offer’ of yours shall henceforth carry hidden deceit, and people shall see upon you not a discount, but a price tag: ‘Clearance. No returns or exchanges.’ And behold — you shall not have even one coupon for free delivery.”
15. And He said unto Moania: “I shall multiply your sorrow and your cravings; in shopping you shall bring forth sadness, and your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall whine over you.”
16. And unto Gnorna He said: “Because you listened to the voice of your Moania and ate of the sausage, cursed is the supermarket because of you; in whine shall you order delivery all the days of your life.”
17. Thorns and advertising banners shall it bring forth for you; and you shall whine for instant noodles and for a discount on soda, which shall not satisfy you as in the days of your former self.
18. In the sweat of your face shall you heat your bread in the microwave, and behold — it shall be cold in the middle, and the cheese upon it shall not melt, and the sausage shall dry out unto the state of offense, until you return to the couch; for from cushions you were taken, and unto the dust behind the couch you shall return.
19. And Gnorna understood that Moania, his wife, was the mother of all his sighings — with cause and without cause, and for every reason that enters the tired heart.
20. And the Lord of Whine ordered garments from a cheap Chinese online store for Gnorna and his wife, and clothed them.
21. And the Lord of Whine said: “Behold, the human being has become like an influencer, knowing desire and remorse; and now, lest he stretch out his hands and take also from the shelf the frozen pizza, and eat, and live forever unhappy —”
22. And the Lord of Whine sent him out from the supermarket of orthopedic couches, to work in the hateful office — for there go all who ate by night and regretted by morning.
23. And He drove out Gnorna; and at the east of the supermarket He placed cherubim with a flaming vacuum cleaner turning every way, so that no crumb should remain, and to guard the way back to the couch.
23 ½. And you shall crawl among the shelves of discounted cookies whose date expired yesterday, for the Lord of Whine said: “Every temptation must have a price, but not an expiration date.” And you shall not behold swift delivery, nor a discount without a trap.
23 ¾. And their basket beheld their debt — and it was endless.
24. Thus ended the great fall, and began the no less great waiting for the courier who never hurries.
Blessing.
Cursed be the Discount Serpent, for his tongue promises a discount but brings debt.
Blessed is the one who withstands the night refrigerator, for his waistline shall know peace.
And blessed are those who lament their purchases, for they shall inherit the refund.
May every craving be softened by conscience, and every sigh find rest upon the eternal couch.
Now and forevermore. Amen.
edition
The book is currently in a new edition. The full version is being prepared for publication.